Confession

To be spoken over Dream within dreams by Ian Livingstone

All my life I lived in fear,
Of what Daddy could have done to me.
I knew he'd never do that, never he would be,
But sometimes he was very close to do something he didn't want to be.

He doesn't understand me, and I can't blame him,
We simply have two contradictory ways of thinking.
He is prompt to anger, and I can understand his temper,
He's not able to get along with my condition, but I still love him without condition.

He often yelled at me, and it all stored deep inside me,
He's been violent sometimes, yes, but never he would've hurt someone in that time.
I watched and never intervened, but I often wished I could have faced him,
And I prayed Jesus to calm him down, because his anger was making me cry.

Witnessing those rages, my brain formed a barrier to trap my violence in a cage,
A shell formed around me, so my soul won't get hurt of the words thrown at me.
I absorbed everything, but sadly I remember everything,
So angst and despair keep piling up, slowly eating me up.

Even when I look happy, there's this pile of sadness inside me,
That I need to get rid of, but how am I going to pull this off?

Writing came to me a while ago, so I tried settling my feelings down.
I felt... relieved, but it also made me understand,
I can't forget, because my brain wants to remember,
So I wrote the stories down, and all those feelings also went down.

You all have known me like the friendly guy,
Many of you think I'm all bright.
But there's still a dark side in me,
And that is, what you don't want to see.

Those dark thoughts, and burned cloths,
The deep abyss, which I once was friend with
The despair of loving someone and only get befriended with.

I wanted, no, I needed to get this off my chest,
It's only been feelings growing in my head.
But this is not a goodbye letter, be assured,
I just wanted to make sure,
That you understand who I am,
Without any filter, see right through my core
And see who I am,
That is,

The asperger syndrome.